'Heel Short and Dumpy, heel' come come

‘’Heel to the glute!’ Nahhooooo (that Nahhhhhhoooo is my muscles refusing)

That phrase is currently echoing around my head. At the time, I was remembering all the little things to write down and amuse on this here ‘blog’. Sadly, all I can seem to recount now is ‘Heel to the glute!’…Nahhhhooooooooooooooo.



I should maybe explain, but I am sure you are aware, the glute is my wobbly bottom. The gluteal muscles are the three muscles that make up the buttocks: the gluteus maximus muscle, gluteus medius muscle and gluteus minimus muscle. (mine are mostly the maximus kind)
Strength and resistance training exercises which are known to significantly strengthen the gluteus maximus include the squat.

The squat, lets make that into a plural for my instructor. The woman is crazed, obsessed. Her main at rest position is the squat! During a thirty minute session, the main core of all the movements include the squat! Squat and triceps curl, squat and lunge, squat and French press, squat and leg lift, squat and lets have a chat!

My poor abused wobbly glute. ….. ‘Heel the glute’ NAhhhhhhoooOOO

SO I should probably enlighten you to my evenings activity.

Today I got to play with my resistant cord. I was so excited as I opened the box. I think it reminds me slightly of the simple pleasures from my youth, as it looks vaguely, ok, very vaguely like a skipping rope. It is a rather wonderful bubblegum pink colour too.

It was only a little into the workout that I realised that this vibrant pink was not to make me feel like a workout princess, but to denote the beginners. Garish green (medium) and plumy purple (heavy) filled the room. Pink means light resistance. (apparently).

I was not entirely sure how many weird and wonderful ways you could work a resistance cord. Truthfully, I am still not, although after that I probably should be.

I have to admit, watching me must have been like watching a demented kitten chase a ball of wool around. Please try to stifle your giggles as I confess I even managed to tie my cord into a knot numerous times.
At one point, place a needle into my hand and I could of knitted you a jumper with it.

Maybe mine is faulty, maybe mine is double the length of everybody else’s. No, maybe I am just a nightmare,

There was a move where you have to loop the handle in through that of the other. This I could do, it was the un-looping I couldn’t figure out. By the time I had looped, un-looped, and re-looped back into another knot, we were moving onto yet another move where you hook the band around your trainer. Well, how the hell does everyone else’s band stay still? I was bending down, twisting and turning, and adding even more, but un instructed squats into the thirty minutes as I tried desperately to keep it in place.

Everyone can so seamlessly change into the next position, their cords already wrapped, looped and held in place while I am still sat cross legged. Tongue poking out in concentration as I try to stuff my trainer into a loop time and again.

‘Time for floor work!’ Time for floor work? I still haven’t completed that lifting pulling stretching elbow in time to lifting the knee as you twist your waist thingy you lot have just done 10 of!

The instructor is so lovely, and I find it so hard to try to find a reason to dislike her, to blame her for this red faced puffy frustrated embarrassment. There is no reason though and I can’t. Her smile stays fixed beautifully on her face as she says the words ‘Heel to the GLUT!’ (NAhhhooooooooooo!). ‘You should feel this ’ ‘This should start to burn.’ Burn, burn? I was burning before we picked the cord up in the so called warm up. I was warm I tell you. I can tell the others are starting to feel the burn too as I gaze at them, wanting desperately to see some small sign of pain. I can see the bands straining, wobbling slightly under the pressure, catch one at least not putting her ‘heel to the glut’.

The pace slows as we start to stretch out the muscles that have been under a constant assault. The instructor makes out this is a treat for our bodies after the workout, ‘You deserve this, you have worked your bodies hard.’

My body does deserves this, this ouch ouch ouch stretch, not because it has worked hard, but because for 29 years it hasn’t.

The words ‘Increase the tension. Hold, and Pulse’ send shivers of fear through me. What kind of punishment is this?!? I thought we were rewarding ourselves!?!

I do feel good though. Now that I am sat here tippy tapping away, I get to look back over the workout as the warm glow still spreads through my muscles as they rest. It feels good, I feel good. Even my gluts feel good!

Tomorrow back to running and my jogging/walking reps. The evening holds the terror of a ‘Boot camp’ workout session. I think I might dress in full army uniform, steel toes caps and camouflage paint and decoy bush. Maybe I could get away with that. As long as my big glute doesn’t give me away as it sticks out between the leafy branches.

It really would be ‘Heel to the GLUT’ then.